Note: This post was originally an entry in my personal journal, written less than two months after I went on medical leave and about a month after I started running per my doctor's recommendation. It is about running. It is also about much more than running.
Every time I run, I have the same memory play in my head as I start to get in my stride: when I was in grade 4 or 5 and the only girl to volunteer to run the 800 meters at our annual track meet.
A few years earlier I had been declared the fastest girl in class after a race around the field for P.E. For some reason I thought I was still fast enough, and that running 800 meters would be no problem for me.
It's strange how much I remember about that race. I remember my dad telling me I needed to be practicing in the weeks before, couch potato that I was. I remember him telling me that I needed to start out slow, or I wouldn't have enough energy to speed ahead and win at the end. I agreed to his wisdom, eventually.
But on the race day itself, the need to prove myself quickly voided Dad's good wisdom. As we were lined up, another, older girl talked to the boy from my school running in the race ahead of me. "Who's running the 800?" she asked. He nodded in my direction, and she sized me up She had permed hair and cool accessories, and an athlete's solid build. I was skinny and awkward and had thin, straight hair (anathema in the late '80's, early 90's).
"Is she any good?"
The boy shrugged his shoulders and somehow (I don't remember if in words or whispers) informed Miss Amazing that I was the only one who had volunteered, and thus the only one running from our school who had not qualified by trying out.
By the time we were lined up, it was desperately hot outside and I was equally desperate to prove to everyone that I deserved to be there. So when the "Go!" was given, I set off in a blaze of speed, ahead of Miss Amazing.
But only for a moment. Very quickly I could feel that it would be all I could do to finish the race--winning would be the least of my concerns. As we made the first round, I saw my dad parked with his work truck on the other side of the school fence, watching me race.
I knew I was going to disappoint him. I had not practiced, and I had not paced myself. I was going to lose, and badly. Which, of course, I did. I believe I came in dead last, which was bad enough, but I was so exhausted that I fell on the ground after crossing the finish line, panting and sweating and in agony. I looked to my best friend for sympathy, but she just looked horrified and mostly embarrassed.
Looking back, I have so much compassion for that little girl, alone and in last place, heaving on the ground. If Dad stayed, I don't remember it. If anyone came to help me, I don't remember it. The only funny thing I remember--and this can't be right, but I'll say it anyway--is my foster brother running the boys' 800 right after me and not only winning by a long shot but doing so after initially missing a turn and having to backtrack to the right course for the race.
Whenever I run now and am tempted to race ahead to look faster--more fit, more worthy of respect and admiration--I think of my Dad by his truck, watching and saying, "Slow down or you'll have nothing left at the end." I have to tune out the lifetime of other voices that say THIS moment, THIS impression is what you must kill yourself for.
Run the long race. Listen to your body. Pace yourself. Slow down.
Words to live by, if I've ever heard any. And now, finally, I am learning to listen to them.
T is for Titillating Tales of Terror (or Real-Life Scary Stories my Family Tells, in honour of Halloween)
A certain sparkly vampire family made its fictional home in a temperate rainforest town, 250 miles north of the socked-in coastal village that my own family calls home.
There is a marked spookiness that descends on all coastlines along with the dark. The only horror movie I could tolerate watching as a kid was called "Lady in White", which was about a grief-stricken ghostly mother who jumped from a cliff into the ocean every night she re-realized her daughter had been killed. (Goosebumps are popping up all over my skin as I write this...do you know who hates thinking about scary things? ME!!!) While that story was set on the other side of the country, it laid beautiful ground in my childhood imagination for strange things to happen on the coastal cliffs of my adolescence and adulthood.
When I was in my early twenties, my brother (born with considerable more nerve than I) reported spooky happenings to which he and his friends had been witness. They would purposefully go to get themselves scared at a nearby state park, complete with misty, dramatically descending cliffs, a non-working lighthouse, and a tree (known as the Octopus Tree) that was rumoured to have housed the bodies of recently departed First Nations people for the first night after their death.
The strangest part of this already strange and beautiful place were the deer (at least in his experience), because the deer there did not act like ordinary deer. The park and its surrounding area is not well lit and prone to fog, so trips there at night were always made with caution to not hit any wildlife.
But, five or six times, the cars in which my brother and his friends travelled were not so much dangerous as endangered. When they came upon the deer that roamed the misty forest by the cliffs, the encounters were anything but normal. Instead of freezing up or running away out of fright, as deer tend to do, the deer would get aggressive. The drivers would have to move their cars away from the deer, getting out of the deer's way (!) instead of the other way round. It was, as he says, "like the deer were trying to defend something."
One night, this Warrior Deer behaviour reached its pinnacle when, with about ten people spread between two cars, one lone deer came out onto the road. As the headlights of the car flashed into the face of the animal, it stared into eyes of the driver of the first car for a few seconds before running into it, throwing its body against the front of the car as if to say "Get out, you don't belong here!"
It was with these strange encounters in mind that I went at sunset with my newly engaged fiancé to this same state park to take pictures. Matt hadn't heard any of the stories or local legends, but they weighed on my mind as we passed through the open gate of the park. I thought for the briefest of moments about telling Matt what I had heard. But something held me back; I thought that talking about the stories might make both of our imaginations run rampant.
The sunset was beautiful. To watch and photograph it, we descended from a spot in the park affectionately nicknamed "Suicide Point" by my siblings and I (!) and carefully traversed a narrow wedge of land to a cliff that juts out to the sea. Once the sun set, I started feeling anxious about getting back...and again, opted not to tell Matt, as he was still taking pictures of the last crimson and orange streaks on the horizon.
By the time we came back to Suicide Point and clambered through the brush to the official path, it was dusk. As we approached the Octopus Tree, my skin began to crawl: not because of its appearance, but because I thought I heard groans coming from the woods around it.
But I am the scarediest of scaredy cats, so did I say anything? No sirree, I did not. Because as long as I didn't say anything or draw attention to the groans, I could keep on believing it was all in my head.
Two or three moans and groans later, Matt's ears picked up the sound. He looked at me and grinned. "Sasquatch?" he asked, jokingly. I gritted my teeth in a nervous smile in response and pushed out something like a laugh.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
"I'll tell you later," I replied.
Even at this point, with Matt hearing groans near a tree that probably didn't but maybe did house the corpses of the dearly departed of our Aboriginal brothers and sisters, I was trying to talk myself down. Maybe there were people in the woods being goofy and playing tricks on us? Maybe there was a family nearby and the kids were hiding and groaning, trying scare us? This was nicer to believe, so I just walked a little faster, holding Matt's hand and trying not to squeeze it as hard as my fear compelled me. Someone else was here. Someone was being silly. It was all in my head.
The path away from the Octopus tree descends gradually into a large parking lot for tourists wanting to see the lighthouse and the tree and the beautiful views.
But there were no cars there. Not a soul. And at this point Matt, naive as he was to the legends and mysteries of the place, started getting nervous too. He had heard the moans and groans. If no one else was here, who was making them?
The gates to the park close at sunset, or so a sign affixed to them says. We drove out as quickly as we could to avoid being locked in. As we passed safely through the still-open gate, I began to tell Matt what I had heard about this place. He tried to make light of it, and I tried to relax as we got back out onto the main road.
But, as we turned onto it, a deer emerged from the woods and came onto the road.
And stared at us.
And didn't move.
And I can't tell you how long we stared at it or it stared at us, but the standoff ended when the deer ran at our car!
And then Matt and I collectively freaked out, he in his calm, cool way and me in my frantic, noisy screeching way. Somehow we got around the deer, somehow we made it back onto the highway, and somehow we drove as quickly as the dark would allow back towards town and home.
If you can believe it, we have never gone there at night again. Because maybe the tree is just a tree and maybe the cliffs are just cliffs and maybe the deer are just deer but...
Well, who really knows?
Note: This post was inspired by a similarly-themed column published in Bill Bryson's hysterical book, "Notes from a Big Country." Thanks, Bill!
The Bridge Jump (a tale passed onto me from my friend Mike)
I went to university in Idaho. Nobody outside of the Pacific Northwest of the United States knows where Idaho is (and even then, people can be foggy on the exact location). Upon arrival I was told that Idaho is comprised of two parts: the northern, green, forested part teeming with white supremacists (!), and the southern, brown, tumbleweed-ridden part in which my university is located.
Thankfully there was more to southern Idaho than that (not much, but some), and one thing that we university students did when the weather was warm was go bridge-jumping at a nearby river.
One warm afternoon, a poor, nervous lad made his way down the side of the bridge to the narrow landing from which he and his friends were to jump into the river below. The drop was greater than he expected, so it took him several minutes of hemming and hawing and his friends' encouraging before he finally got up the nerve to jump. At that critical moment, he made the leap. And as he did, his friends noticed in horror that a large object was floating down the river and would be intercepted by their friend precisely when he made landing.
The large object was the corpse of a dead cow (!)
Gravity of course is real and unflinching even if situations like this. So Poor Laddy continued to plummet down, unable to change velocity or direction, and fell straight through the bloated, blessedly squishy and soft and thus not lethal body of the dearly departed Moo Mama.
Laddy survived, thankfully. But I would venture to say he never jumped again.
One fall morning, I woke up early to take our dog for a much needed walk in the neighbourhood. It was dark and cold for the thirty minutes or so we rambled, and I was glad to return to our warm home at the end of it. When I came in, I saw my oldest two children (then 7 and 5) sitting on the couch watching cartoons, but could not find my 15-months-old youngest son.
"Where's Ephraim?" I asked the two boys.
"I don't know," the oldest one answered, his eyes and his brothers' glued to the television set.
I went into the bathroom where my husband was just getting out of the shower.
"Where's Ephraim?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" he replied with slight alarm.
"I can't find him," I said.
We looked at each other for a few silent seconds before Matt scrambled to get clothes on and I left to do one final check under the beds and tables and inside the closets of our tiny attic suite.
No Ephraim. Matt and I opened the door, went down our steep flight of stairs, and went opposite directions down our street, calling his name as we ran.
As I approached the park at the end of our block, I saw a tiny figure in a t-shirt and a diaper peeking out from behind a bush. It was my son, of course. I ran towards him and he ran towards me, laughing and excited to be "found" and so unbelievably unafraid and unbothered by the cold.
I kissed his little cheeks and warmed his feet in my hands while chiding him for running away. Then we went to find his dad and returned back to our house. We still don't know how long he was alone at the park, but our guess was anywhere between ten and twenty minutes.
That is life with my third son in a nutshell. Always on the edge of panic while he rushes headlong into the next big adventure. Now that he's older and his impulsiveness has mellowed, some of the beauty of his fearlessness has been revealed. In fact, I often wish I could take a smidge of it for myself.
January 2005. Matt and I have looked through our bills and our bank statements and realized that we just don't have enough money for me to make it through another semester of grad school. When we go our separate ways, he to put our son to bed and me to clean up from dinner, I shoot a quick prayer up to God.
"Lord, if you want me to stay in this you're going to have to do something to make it clear. Because we can't do it on our own."
The next day an older friend stopped by with a belated birthday present for our one-year-old son. Isaac opened the present, throwing the tissue paper around the room and excitedly removing the actual gift. I thanked my friend for her thoughtfulness and she replied kindly but still sat there, smiling, as if waiting for something else to happen. I was tired and unfocused, so I thanked her again for the present and we chatted until she left.
I put Isaac down for his nap and went to clean up the living room, including the gift bag. Only then did I notice a card inside that I had failed to see before and thus left unopened.
When I slipped the card out of the envelope, a cheque floated down onto my lap. I picked it up and when I saw the number, my stomach dropped.
$500.00. Five-HUNDRED dollars.
In a note also enclosed, my friend explained that after the recent death of her parent, she and her husband had received a small inheritance. They had prayed about which people or charitable organizations to give the money to, and Matt and I kept coming to their minds.
I started to cry (I swear I don't cry all the time, even if my posts seem to indicate otherwise). I had asked for God to do something about our financial shortfall and, believe what you will about the timing, a cheque was in my hands within 24 hours. The next day I wrote a thank you note and told my friend about my evening-before prayer. And I stayed in grad school, graduating two years later with a Master's degree, two babies, and no debt from that degree whatsoever.
יהוה יראה (the Lord provides)
A month after my father died in 2005, my sister called me.
"I'm pregnant," she declared.
"You're what?" I asked in astonishment. Her daughter was only eight months old at the time, and as I had managed (gratefully) to remain unpregnant for the 13 months following the birth of my son I assumed she would like to have some non-pregnant time as well.
"I'm pregnant!" she said more loudly. "And I don't know how! I swear this is an Immaculate Conception kind of thing."
I wanted to ask more questions but she was in a bit of a fury and said she had more calls to make. I got off the phone, thanking my lucky stars that it was her and not me.
Two months later, as I have written about before, I found out that I was pregnant as well.
Let us fast forward to the strange part of all of this (besides the aforementioned Immaculate Conception of my nephew).
When you are in your first year of mourning for a loved one, there are several days that are bitter and brutal and that you just need to make it through: The first month anniversary of their death. Then the second. The sixth month anniversary that kicks you in the gut and the yearly anniversary that wallops you in the teeth (that anniversary is called yahrzeit in Yiddish, as our Jewish brothers and sisters have the good sense to have a proper name for that horrible day). The first anniversary of marriage sans loved one is hard for the spouse; the first birthday without them is hard for everyone. The yahrzeit is agony, and there's no good way of getting around it.
A little consolation on these days is always welcome. A little extra joy is a stark and life-giving contrast to the months and days cut deeply by the sharp, unrelenting force of loss.
So imagine, if you will, the consolation of welcoming my nephew into the world two days before what would have been my dad's first birthday away from this world.
Imagine, if you will, the consolation of welcoming my son into the world a week and a half before what would have been my dad's first yahrzeit.
And imagine, if you will, the consolation of both of these events being completely unplanned, completely unexpected, completely "wrecking" the timing of so many things and yet resting as a balm on our family's broken hearts when a balm was just what we needed. Because that, of course, is what their births were.
A blessing for you, and for me:
May hope catch you unawares,
May consolation bleed through the breaking of your best laid plans,
May laughter lift you from fear,
May God provide.
When I was 20 years old I was sexually assaulted by a stranger. I had never seen him before. I have never seen him since.
I told a friend about the incident immediately after it happened, using vague, uncomfortable language . When I did, he asked me why I hadn't said anything during the event to make the man stop. I looked at him, speechless for a moment, before mumbling something about being too shocked at the time to be able to speak.
I didn't talk about it again for 15 years.
It was only when the Canadian icon Jian Ghomeshi was accused of sexual assault that I first told my husband about my experience. Even then I did what many women do: minimized what had happened, shaving off the sharpest edges to make it seem less troubling than it was. This self-protective charade lasted through the first few sentences. Then I started to cry. "It wasn't like it was a big deal," I insisted in a shaking voice, tears running down my face. My Matt said nothing, but took my hand in his.
In the days that followed, he struggled to understand why I obsessed over the topic. If there was so much personal pain involved, why was I following the public conversation about Ghomeshi and his victims on Twitter and on Facebook and in the deplorable comments section? What was it that I needed to see?
Fortunately at that point, a friend reached out to talk me about the scandal. She too had known assault, and was also keeping vigil over social media conversations. We talked about the feelings the articles and discussions were eliciting, hinting at memories awoken with every new twist and development. It was then I learned that where our loved ones cannot understand, there is a sisterhood of sufferers who can.
When Brock Turner was given a judicial wrist-slap and national attention for his assault of a fellow student, I felt the same obsessive need to make sense of what was happening. My body began to ache, demanding that I not only pay attention to the articles and conversations and my own memory but name the wrong that had been committed against me.
A day or two into it, I called my twin sister--my best friend--to tell her what had happened to me all those years before.
"He did what????" she screamed into the phone. "Why did you not tell me before?"
I responded sharply and she quickly apologized before saying the only thing I needed to hear.
“I’m sorry that happened to you.”
I'm going to give in again to the temptation to minimize: If you had asked me before the Ghomeshi case if the first assault I experienced affected me, I would have said no. I barely remembered it. If anything it was locked into a windowless chamber in my mind, bothering neither me nor anyone else.
But in the two years since, with that case compounded by the Bill Cosby rape trial and the Turner travesty of justice, my answer would be different. Not only has the memory of assault demanded my attention, its cellmates have as well: memories of street harassment; physical intimidation; being followed down streets in multiple cities; being groped by a drunk man who stumbled along the curb only to stagger towards a wall where he could block me in and lay his hands on me.
There are other memories that I will not talk about, but which also share that miserable cell in my mind. And they too have come out into the light.
The day the recording of the current Republican presidential nominee was released, I began sinking into a heavy sadness. I accidentally saw his words on Facebook and was so overwhelmed I promptly blocked the post that shared them, warning myself not to read them again But by the next morning my feed was filled with denunciations of and conversations about his comments, and I felt I might need to know what exactly he said.
I read the whole transcript. And instead of moving further into sadness, I got mad. Hella mad. I posted a statement denouncing the recording as a confession of assault. I scoured my news feed and jumped onto every thread that seemed to paper over the seriousness of what had been admitted.
And in what may sound like no big deal, I--the consummate Bernie supporter and undecided voter--donated money to the Hillary Clinton campaign. I did it as a giant "fuck you" to her opponent and to every man who has assaulted a woman and pretended like it was okay or no big deal. I wasn't sure I would vote for her, but I sure as hell wouldn't vote for him.
Let me get this out of the way, as a woman, a Christian, and pastor:
Rage. Anger. Outrage. These are all appropriate responses for victims of assault. We sometimes cannot access them for years after the event, but when we do, it is not a shameful reaction but a healthy one.
Rage is an appropriate response to people who excuse or minimize the assault they commit against their fellow human beings.
Anger is an appropriate response for victims forced to relive their worst memories every few months because one more powerful man is found to have harmed women.
Outrage is an appropriate response when the disturbing choice is made by bystanders to focus on the status and welfare of the assaulter while ignoring those who have been assaulted.
Anger saves us just when we feel we might be destroyed.
Rage burns our guts, so that we no longer stomach or excuse rape culture when it is exposed.
Outrage gives us feet to stand and fight even as it forces us to face difficult memories.
Together, they return the voices our assaulters took that we might raise them on behalf of ourselves and others.
And with my voice given back, I want to say this to those who are watching and discussing and deciding what to do in response to this latest chapter in a tired story as old as sin itself.
Do not malign the victims when they come forward.
Do not crucify them for their courage.
Do not question their honesty, their timing or their motivation.
And above all, do not pretend they are uncomfortable inconveniences to be cast aside or overlooked for some mythical greater good.
Those who are wronged deserve the common decency of acknowledgement and sorrow. As do all of us in the unchosen sisterhood to which we belong.
A blessing for you, and for me.
Help us, Lord, for Your name's sake.
"Doctors?" said Ron looking startled. "You mean those Muggle nutters that cut people up? Nah, they're healers!"
-J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix
I both love and hate these words of Ron Weasley evaluating the limitations of Muggles like me and our ability to get each other well. On the one hand, I like his recognition that not all healing comes at the edge of the scalpel or the sharp end of a needle.
On the other hand, I love my doctor. I do. She saved my life twelve years ago when she diagnosed me with postpartum depression after the birth of my son. She immediately started me on anti-depressants and referred me to a postpartum psychologist for a follow-up evaluation. And she always included my mood as part of the postpartum checkups after I gave birth to my three subsequent children, keeping close tabs on me to make sure things weren't going sideways. Thankfully, they didn't.
This year, my doctor was my healer in so many ways: putting me on medical leave; making sure I was on the right dose and type of medication; getting me into a free, provincial cognitive therapy program. And, at every follow-up appointment, she asked not only about my mood but my ability to manage things at home, ensuring that I had what I needed to cope with my life as a mom of four.
So yeah, I'm going to disagree with Ron and assert that my doctor is a healer. But as much as I think my doctor is a healer, I know that healing doesn't end with her, nor can the praiseworthy title of healer be given only to her. There are other people, professional and otherwise, who have brought healing in my life not only in this past year but throughout my life. So in their honour, and in honour of the many other healers at work around the world, I'd like to offer up this poem of thanksgiving. See if you can find your own healers in it or even, yourself--not for me, necessarily, but for someone else.
For all the Healers We Give Thanks
For all the quacks, Lord, we give thanks:
The counsellors and coaches, therapists and clinicians.
For those who staunch our wounds with quiet attention,
Witnessing our departure from one path and embarkation on another;
For those who cheerlead our progress and give us eyes to see it
O Lord, we give You thanks.
For all the concerned, Lord, we give thanks:
The friends, the family, the neighbours, the clergy.
For those who bring hot meals and sugary treats;
Who call to check in or take our kids to the park.
For those who declare, "I understand," and those who admit they never will
O Lord, we give You thanks.
For all the communities, Lord, we give thanks:
The schools, the workplaces, the neighbourhoods, the congregations.
For those of the fixed presence, the webmakers of life together;
For those who greet us with joy and ask after us with compassion;
For those who give us space to heal and grace in our absence
O Lord, we give You thanks.
For all the companions, Lord, we give thanks:
The spouses, the girlfriends, the boyfriends, the best friends.
For those startled from sleep by the sound of our tears,
Those who reach out to hold our hands in the dark;
For those who bear with our weakness and accompany us into strength
O Lord, we give You thanks.
For, all the Healers, Lord, we give thanks:
For those who prize our health above their own desires or expectations;
For those who hold fast when we are broken, who speak hope into our despair.
For those who patiently bear with our sickness,
Trusting we will, one day, be well
O Lord, we give You thanks.
Happy Canadian Thanksgiving, friends. Richest blessings to each and every one of you.
It's the beginning of September and my body knows it. For the past three years, September has been an oddly complicated month and my mind, heart, blood and lungs are practicing for any complications that might arise now.
To explain: Three years ago I was preparing for a final month as lead pastor during my boss' sabbatical, as well as anticipating my daughter's birth and going on maternity leave. Really weird stuff had happened during that time, but I had managed it without too much personal cost (so I thought). The cooling air and the changing leaves invigorated me, heralding both the temporary break from my job and my daughter's arrival.
Two years ago I was preparing to return from maternity leave to lead my parish through transition and (though I didn't know it) some taxing inner turmoil. I was excited and nervous, feeling competent for the task after having lead short-term a year before. What beautiful, blessed naiveté! How quickly my sense of competence was replaced by bewilderment and anxiety!
September of one year ago was when I handed over the reins to my new senior pastor and faced the reality of my own failing mental and physical health. It was September that the building burned down, so to speak; September that I stopped sleeping and eating and finally was put on medication and medical leave.
This September, God willing, will be more peaceful. My panic is now mostly suppressed by pills (let's take a moment to thank Him for antidepressants and anti-anxiety medicine, shall we?) I keep my anxiety in check by limiting caffeine, running, going to counselling and doing the things my therapists and doctors have told me to do. I have more weapons at my disposal to fight the beast that turned my world upside down a year ago and still haunts my steps.
Peace, as an ideal, tempts and troubles me. When someone has (as I do) a faith that commands "Don't be anxious about anything" and an actual, clinical anxiety disorder, it's hard not to fixate on the promise of peace: what it can be, what it can't possibly be. I have preached two or three times on peace (and its nemesis, anxiety), and was always honest with my congregation that peace is a hard sell for me. The Seer of Lublin, one of the earliest Hasidic masters, was said to have preached joy in between bouts of depression. I have done that myself, as well as preached peace during seasons of panic.
I had a conversation with Jesus about this the other morning, very early in the day. I woke up agitated and unable to go back to sleep, so He and I talked or, more accurately, I practiced a spiritual exercise where I imagined Jesus writing a letter to me. We didn't get very far, really, but far enough that I received some...well, peace, on the subject. That letter is below, with love and the hope that it will help comfort similarly afflicted, similarly frustrated peace-seekers.
What up, girl? (Just kidding. It's not yet five in the morning and you're awake again. So YOU'RE what's up, right? Ha ha!)
So you keep thinking you'll write about peace but you're not getting very far, yes? And you've come to The Master to see what I can say on the subject? I get you, I get you. Let's talk it out, shall we? Just you and Me.
What's that? You're getting hung up on the "Peace I leave you, My peace I give you, Don't let your hearts be troubled," bits that I threw to you and My other disciples? Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have said that. Just kidding. Kind of.
But seriously, what else could I say? What kind of Jew would I be, let alone Messiah, if peace, if shalom, played no part in the Way I had for you all? What kind of Saviour overcomes the world but can't give His children peace?
I know, I know: peace doesn't seem near. I know, I know: your heart IS troubled.
Don't worry, dearest: My heart was, too. It still is sometimes. Any fool could see that in Gethsemane, and if they couldn't they did when I ended up screaming on a cross. That whole "became flesh" thing was legit, and I know too well the straining for peace, and the suffering that follows when it just can't seem to be found.
Are you with me so far? Good. I know where you have been these past months. Don't think I didn't see it. I did, and I'm sorry for it. If there was a way to bypass it you know I would have found it.
[Interrupting Jesus here to say that the elusive "peace" just flooded my heart and sent small tears rolling from the corners of my eyes.]
So thank you for not giving up on Me. We have a ways to go still, yes? But we will go together. I will seem to be lost and wandering, but you will find Me again. You will seem to be lost and wandering, but I will always find you.
That is the peace I give. That's it. I will find you, and you will find Me. The road will narrow and the darkness will fall; but I will be with you, always, to the end.
A blessing for you, and for me:
May peace drip down,
Slowly and often;
Restoring anxious hearts and
Calming ravaged minds.
May His peace be our peace,
Now and forevermore.
My doctor recently requested that my husband keep an eye on me while I sleep, whenever possible. I have been struggling with exhaustion for months despite eating well, exercising, taking my medicine and sleeping well, so she wanted him to observe me from time to time. If I snored a lot, or seemed to stop breathing (!) she would refer me for a sleep apnea test at our local hospital.
This past week Matt reported on his findings with the following observation:
"You sleep like a dog."
I raised my eyebrows at him, my unspoken way of letting him know to tone it down before all hell broke loose.
"I mean, you know how a dog whimpers and looks like it's running in its sleep? That's what you did. For like an hour."
I thought back to the night's sleep he was referring to, and realized I had a series of terrible nightmares that night. This has always been part of my sleep--having vivid dreams is normal, having vivid nightmares equally normal. Since going on medication last fall, my nightmares have gotten more intense, more frequent, and even weirder than usual. And you, lucky reader, get to hear about them now! But have no fear, I will focus more on the weird than the intense so that these serve for enjoyment and amusement.
Church Shenanigans (CS)
I've been having church dreams for several years, and they only metamorphosed into nightmares the last few months. In the beginning they were normal clergy dreams gone awry: I was scheduled to preach, but when I got to the pulpit my sermon notes were missing, or my Bible wouldn't open to the right passage, or I would be scheduled to preach and someone else would be called in last minute to replace me as I stood on the platform, overlooked and aghast.
More recently the dreams have been nightmares: I am stuck in the church at night, and the doors are being broken down by local drug dealers (this has roots in reality, not because the church has been broken into but because our church's location on a major thoroughfare makes it a workspace for drug dealers, prostitutes, and pimps at night). Last night I had one that blessedly downshifted to something between a nightmare and a dream: I was waiting to be served communion and noticed that the servers were using water on one side (instead of wine or grape juice) and milk on the other. I was preparing to break up the service with a lecture on sacramental theology when, horror of horrors, the servers on the milk side SPILLED THE MILK on the church carpet and weren't cleaning it up! So then I was mentally torn between the theological lecture on using wine/grape juice and a mommified scolding as to the importance of not having milk on the carpet! (I did both.) Nightmare of nightmares!
Spousal Indifference (CS)
This is what it sounds like: my nightmare is that I am trying to communicating something to Matt and he responds with complete and utter indifference. These are the dreams that I wake from ready to smack him--so far I haven't, but since it's a "serial" this requires ongoing discipline. These are, it must be said, not rooted in any reality beyond my cool and composed husband remaining cool and composed when I, invariably, have arguments with him and do not remain cool and composed.
Sample SI nightmare:
Two of my kids have just been killed in a war (it's complicated). I am mourning their death (obvs). I get home and find Matt packing and getting ready to leave for a Steve Carrell comedy festival. He tells me he's had a stressful week at work and just needs to get away. To this, I respond, "Okay, honey, I believe that you've had a stressful week at work, but our KIDS JUST DIED. I am kind of having a stressful week myself and would appreciate it if you would stick around."
At this point, Matt becomes worn out by my nagging (!) and goes to another room to continue packing for his weekend away. I try to call him on his cell phone and he answers but pretends he can't hear me. I realize that I need to pick up one of our surviving children from school, so go to the room and yell at the top of my lungs "Please don't leave until after I get our son!" He kind of nods, and gets back to packing. I get in the car and start to drive away, when I see in the rearview mirror my scandalous husband climbing on a motorcycle, and riding away, bright red feathers streaming behind him (apparently this is standard Steve Carrell apparel). The terrible man couldn't wait for me to get back! I woke up immediately after this and just glared at Matt for the first ten minutes of the morning.
War/Holocaust/Tsunamis (WHT): I've had Holocaust nightmares since I was a child (long story). They were always bad, but have become so much worse since having children. Invariably I am trying to get them out of selection lines, out of lines to gas chambers. When they go missing I know they have been killed. The war and tsunami dreams are new, but the intensity always centres on the same subject: trying to find and save my children, and not being able to. There is, as you can imagine, nothing funny about these dreams.
Family Abandonment/Antipathy (FAA)
These are very closely related to SI dreams, except that they involve various members of my extended family. Usually Matt has done something terrible (i.e. had an affair, insulted me publicly, shirked his general spousal duties) or someone else has done something terrible and I get ANGRY. But then, instead of whatever wrong I have suffered being the nexus of pain, it is that my family turns and criticizes me for my response!
Sample FA dream:
Matt has decided that he is not going to put any more effort into our family; he is moving out without any financial support, communication, etc. I am angry (obvs). I then go to a dinner with my in-laws, and while standing announce loudly and in a high-pitched voice, "MATT IS A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE MAN!" They all keep their faces straight and look at each other like, "Oh my goodness, she is a total psychopath." I begin to explicate my argument, recounting his terrible, terrible deeds, and my sister-in-law (who I adore in real life) stands up, puts her hands on my shoulders, and without saying anything walks me to another room and SHUTS THE DOOR SO I CAN'T GET BACK IN! Meanwhile Matt is lounging on a chair at the dinner table, rolling his eyes and ignoring me, not even remotely fazed by my shouting or his own sins.
Here is an interesting fact: my sister and I have multiple serial dreams/nightmares different from each other, but one is about the same thing from our two different perspectives. In it, we are both enamoured with one of our childhood crushes (same person, because this whole thing isn't weird enough already). But said crush is enamoured with OUR TWIN SISTER, not us! And when said crush falls in love with and runs away with said twin sister, we (the one dreaming) are angry and judgmental and like, "Um, excuse me twin sister, you are ALREADY MARRIED." And said twin sister is like, "Um, I'm sorry, what's the problem?" and goes anyway, leaving us (the dreamer) not only angry at her rapscallionism and left with the task of informing our heartbroken brother-in-law what has happened, but also heartbroken OURSELVES because our amour (childhood crush) prefers our sister to us!!!! And then we wake up and fight the desire to call and berate our sister for her imaginary infidelity. THIS SERIAL NIGHTMARE HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR ABOUT TEN YEARS. TEN YEARS!!!
And now for a slight shift in tone...
My family love hearing another of "Mommy's weirdo dreams", or sharing some of their own with me. I can't make the nightmares stop, so I like to think there is some good in telling other people about them; laughter is always a welcome gift, yes?
But I am equally aware that, whether amusing or heart-wrenching, my dreams have a root in reality--not always mine, but often someone else's. So, if nothing else, they serve to remind me to pray for those who are living the realities I only meet in the dark, or donate to organizations that help alleviate those realities for those really suffering them. Scientists have various ideas on the purpose of nightmares and dreams--they are a way we face our deepest, unrealized fears, or a way of helping us deal with our realized traumas; with the cover of night we face them in ways we can't in the light of day. But I think that they are also, as most of the ordinary stuff of our lives, avenues for redemption; paths to empathy and compassion. Dreams have helped prepare me to walk with friends and family through the valley of the shadow of death. Nightmares have pressed in my body a trace of the terror our neighbours around the world face, whether in Aleppo or Japan or Fallujah or Baton Rouge. Surely there is some good in being connected to their sorrow, don't you think? Surely there is some redemption in having our hearts broken, even while we sleep, if it means we can care better for our brothers and sisters thousands of miles away.
A blessing for you, and for me:
May dreams be sweet,
And rest complete.
And if not,
May dreams widen wounds
To form and transform
Wounded givers, and
Wounded lovers of a wounded world.
KADEE'S HANDY-DANDY GUIDE TO FIGURE OUT WHO TO CHEER FOR AT EACH EVENT IN
THE OLYMPIC GAMES (WITH SPECIAL LOVE TO MY FELLOW EXPATS/IMMIGRANTS)
1) Is your country of citizenship in this event? If yes, go to number 2. If no, go to number 3. If you have more than one country of citizenship, go to number 9.
2) Is your primary sense of loyalty/attachment to your country of citizenship? If yes, go to number 4. If no, go to number 3.
3) Is your country of residence in the race? If yes, go to number 5. If no, go to number 6.
4) Yay, you get to cheer for this country!
5) Is your primary sense of loyalty/attachment to your country of residence? If yes, go to number 7. If no, go to number 6.
6) Do you have ethnic or family heritage represented in one of the competitors, or a strong attachment to one of the competitors based on having lived/traveled there that supersedes your sense of shared heritage? If yes, go to number 8. If no, or if there are several countries competing that are part of your heritage, go to number 9.
7) Yay, you get to cheer for this country!
8) Yay, you get to cheer for this country!
9) Is there one particularly inspirational and/or good-looking individual/team that stands out of these choices? If yes, go to number 10. If not, go to number 11.
10) Yay, you get to cheer for this country!
11) Cheer for the underdog. Especially if said underdog is from North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Syria, or any other country that seems hell-bent on making life difficult for a large number of its citizens. That is what we call the Olympic spirit.
Did I miss anything? Happy Olympic-ing everyone!
P.S. Yes, I know, I SKIPPED the next-in-line "N" post in order to write about the Olympics while they are happening. Bad me! But I promise to get back to N soon, and it will be AMAZING. Or something.
The three words that got me out of pastoral ministry were the three words screaming naked through my brain while I listened to a parishioner share her prayer requests one morning on the phone:
I. DON'T. CARE.
I loved this parishioner, as I loved all my parishioners, and always before had been happy to take her calls, happy to hear her concerns, happy to promise to pray, happy to pray itself.
But that day, I gave neither flying flip nor two cents’ worth of consideration to what she was telling me. It seemed devoid of relevance, an irritating ping-ping-ping on the windows of my brain. I wrote down everything she said, but may as well have been writing the ingredients from a box of detergent for all I cared about them.
I say sometimes that anxiety got me out of pastoral ministry—and in a way, I’m sure it did, because the anxiety rushed through my veins for months and anxiety, for me, has a heat that burned my insides and mocked my need for sleep or food.
I say sometimes that PTSD got me out of pastoral ministry—and in a way, I’m sure it did, because the traumatic circumstances were external, meeting the anxiety from the outside and confirming it was legit. The trauma transformed the sanctuary of my church into a burning building; a danger zone; a place from which to be rescued.
But the anxiety had been ongoing and the PTSD had been long-building and I had managed to stay in pastoral ministry in spite of them.
No, it wasn’t the anxiety, and it wasn’t the PTSD.
What kicked me out the door was a simple recognition that I needed to care to do my job, and I didn’t care anymore. The anxiety (internal) and the PTSD (external) had finally killed that ability in me.
A week or two before going on leave I wrote in my journal that I didn’t think I could be God’s under-shepherd anymore. I thought—and know this now to be true—that if I pressed on toward whatever the hell goal I thought I was pressing on towards, I would commit some form of spiritual malpractice on one or all of my parishioners.
So I stopped pressing on, and instead went to the doctor. I took her note to my senior pastor and, with his acceptance of my leave, left the building for the last time as a working employee. Then, as I have related here a few times, I went back to my therapist and back to my doctor and back again to my therapist. And I took my medicine and put on my running shoes and I stayed home with my kids and I read books and books and more books and watched The Office. And, in all that, I let everything I had been fighting to uphold in my call and vocation shatter around me.
My burnout, if that’s what we can call it, was so complete that even after six months away from my parish and my Christian faith I couldn’t go back. I did try; but in the end I couldn’t do it. I don't know if I ever will.
I tell you this to bear witness to a reality common to me and other clergy and to say something to those who at the end of their rope:
Sometimes you just need space to fall apart. And it’s okay.
Sometimes you just need time to let everything crash to the floor. And it’s okay.
Sometimes you just need to let your life unravel. And it's okay.
Not because falling apart is fun—it’s not.
Not because crashing doesn’t hurt you and those around you—it does.
Not because watching your life unravel is painless--it can't be.
But because—as I have discovered here at the bottom of everything I thought to be true--
Falling apart is sometimes the most reasonable response we have
to burdens beyond our ability to bear.
Crashing to the floor is sometimes the most reasonable response we have
to being pummelled and broken by life.
Unravelling is sometimes the most reasonable response we have
to others yanking and ripping out the threads that make up who we are.
That is a good enough truth to rest in, but thankfully, there is another. And it is this:
There is mercy on the cold, hard floor.
There is hope that companions the unraveling.
There is love that seeps through the night.
There is joy that comes in the morning,
even if the morning looks like none other you have ever known.
A blessing for you, and for me:
God’s love to us,
His peace to us,
His joy to us,
His healing to us,
His hands holding us,
Now and forever.
He was in grey and white, I was in red and gold. He was on the stage, I was sitting in the audience. He was calm but predictably tinged with goofiness while I was upright in my seat and crumbling inside.
A small part of me anticipated that the day might be hard. The rest of me worried mostly about what he would wear and what I would wear and how he, his dad and I could look fabulous together on this day of celebration. And while we did look fabulous, and while it was a day of celebration, I felt pieces of me falling and cracking against each other as I watched this big, beautiful child of mine cross the stage and receive a graduation certificate from his teacher.
It is such a terribly tired cliché, but I could swear just yesterday he was in kindergarten. He made his mark there the first day by tackling his best friend, a tiny little girl who was used to his antics. His teacher, however, did not know their connection and swooped in to correct this behaviour, which promptly sent my goofy son into tears of shame and remorse.
I thought of the teacher at the ceremony, and I thought of the little girl. The teacher still teaches at the school and we greet each other with smiles and inquiries after each other's well being. The little girl, on the other hand, was not there. She died of cancer nearly three years ago.
I couldn't stop thinking about her through the rest of the ceremony: Wondering what she would have looked like as she stretched and grew into adolescent beauty along with the others girls graduating that day; wondering which award she would have received, not whether she would have received one; wondering, as I have wondered ever since it happened, why in God's name she had to die.
There was a celebration of food and dance for the students in the gym after the party. When I got ready to leave school with my other kids, I went into the gym trying as inconspicuously as I could to check on my son. When I arrived I found most of the graduates sitting in groups looking at their phones, while out on the dance floor were several girls and just two boys. One of them was my son, hands raised above his head, body jumping and leaping in time to the music blaring from the gym's speakers. It wasn't until he left the floor to try and get others to dance that I was able to ask him if he wanted to leave. He didn't. He stayed and danced until the end.
There is such joy, tinged with such sweet, barely bearable pain in watching your children grow up. Having had four, I've almost always enjoyed the consolation of having one, two, or three more kids yet to reach the same milestone as the one reaching it now. It helps a little. My daughter has two more years until she begins kindergarten, while my third son finishes kindergarten today. Knowing the milestones will be repeated steadies the joy and lightens the pain.
This third son keeps asking if they're going to have a graduation for him and the rest of his kindergarten class. Preschool set him up for pomp and circumstance with every year's end, so I always disappoint him when I answer "no." But, I always add, "One day you'll get a big graduation like your brother is getting now."
If the present is any indicator, that day will come before I am ready. Other milestones will be achieved, increasing in familiarity and intensifying in rapidity. This thing called time, to use another cliché, does pass in the blink of an eye. This life we are so privileged to live moves too quickly to catch or clutch as it passes by.
Thank God it is a beautiful life. Thank God we have it, for as long or as little as that may be.
A blessing for you, and for me:
May God strengthen us for this season,
However sweet or sorrowful it may be;
That our eyes may see and know what is good,
And our hearts be consoled through what aches and breaks them.